Tuesday, July 7, 2009

18 weeks and counting

Here I am at a little over 18 weeks…2 weeks exactly from finding out what this little munchkin is growing inside of me. I am starting to feel movements, not super strong ones but a few pokes and flutters are enough to make me smile. I’m also showing, which has been a fun part of pregnancy. I welcome the belly! Sleeping has become difficult…not quite as comfortable as I used to be. And the baby is eating all of my food so I’m hungry about every hour to hour and a half. You would think that might be nice, but sometimes it just feels crazy! In fact, I truly feel an array of emotions that I didn’t expect from pregnancy. Here are a few…

First, is how deeply and completely out of control I feel which has dropped me to my knees to seek peace and guidance from the only one in control. All of my fears, anxieties, nightmares, and tears have no purpose because I know my creator…our baby’s creator…is in charge.

Second, I feel very loved. It has been amazing to me how many people already love your baby and how much joy this tiny baby that has not even made its entrance into this world, can bring so many. People’s faces light up when you talk about a baby and their well wishes and encouragement have meant so much to me.

Third, I feel inspired to praise the Lord more than normal. Just letting my mind drift off and think about the intricacy that is taking place in my womb is more than I can handle and I truly stand in the greatest definition of awe.

Fourth, I feel aware. I’m aware of all my surroundings all the time, what music is playing, what smell is in the air, what colors are dancing around, what people are discussing. I’m sure that it’s not only my emotions that are heightened at this point =) But most of all, I am aware of this baby’s presence in my every move and decision…already.

Fifth, I feel overwhelmed. When I think about what life will be like once this amazing blessing makes his/her debut, I am completely overwhelmed. I’m overwhelmed by the thought of something needing me so much all the time and wondering if I can successfully be there for him/her each time. And then overwhelmed because I realize that I’m going to be a working mom which means that most of my time won’t even be spent with this child…this child who will need me.

Sixth, I feel blessed. Often I remember the emotions of seeing that positive on the pregnancy test and can almost feel the tears that burned my face that night. Tears of shock, apprehension, and utter amazement for what GOD can do. I love you so much my precious Jesus…

Even though I only listed six emotions, you can see how very different they are and how they tug me in different ways. Luckily, we have a God that is un-moving, un-changing and always waiting on us to need Him. Because if I were driven by emotions, I would probably be hiding in a dark hole right now =)


Suzanne said...

Congrats again Lindsey. =) I hope you will tell us when you find out the sex!
Suzanne Foy

Ardor Awakening said...

I know the vast array of emotions you are feeling right now can be overwhelming, but I think they are part of the beauty of what you are going through! That’s why I love reading through the Psalms, you won’t find a trace of apathy anywhere; just raw emotion being expressed towards God. Continue to let this opportunity push you deeper in your relationship and awareness of Him as the baby grows! These are days you will always cherish!