Friday, November 13, 2009


Yes, it truly has been much too long since I have sat down to write out my thoughts. Mostly because I haven't had internet access for a long time!

It's true, I will be 37 weeks pregnant tomorrow. Adeline is showing to be a chunky monkey for her age, but I couldn't be happier about that. Who doesn't love a chunky baby? Jeremy and I go to the doctor on Monday to have another growth ultrasound, but it looks as though she is going to be a c-section. In fact, we have one scheduled for 7:00am on Monday, November 30...unless she decides to make her debut before. Though, right now she seems perfectly content to sit high in my tummy and keep her feet in my ribs. If I didn't love it so much, I might be a bit irritated :) But let's be honest, i'm only 5"2 and have a short torso...there is only so much room in there for her! How can I be upset that she is just trying to be comfortable? Strange thought isn't it? We spend the first 9 months of our life growing in a tummy.

I can't believe that she's almost here. Really...I can't believe it. For the majority of this pregnancy, I have just believed she is too good to be true. I can't imagine seeing her face, hands, my head I think I had just resigned myself to always being pregnant. To try to wrap your head around the fact that there is a baby coming out of there in just a little over two We are first time parents so we really have no idea what to expect. And that's what everyone says, "you have know idea how much your lives are about to change." Normally I get a little defensive when people tell me "you have know idea" about something, but I'm pretty sure they are right about this one!

I've been put on house rest. At first, the idea didn't sound too good, but I have discovered that there is something wonderful about being at home and preparing myself and the house for our little miracle arrival. Whether I'm trying to sleep or rest, or organizing her room, praying over her and the space that she will be in, or drawing closer to the Lord in these few quiet hours that I have, I feel like God has given me this time. My house is beautiful, I really love it. Especially during the day in this fall season. It's so peaceful. I have been obsessed with Watermark worship recently, so I allow their voices to flow through the house while I take some time to sit and allow myself to rest in the Holy Spirits arms. I know that I need Him more than ever. Pregnancy has made me so very aware of my flaws and my ability to want to control everything. What arrogance we have when we think things would be better in our hands! How terrifying. I'm so thankful to have a hope and peace that passes all human understanding.

For those of you who don't know, we are having a girl. Adeline Kathryn Johnson. Or as I keep calling her as I talk to her "Addie Kate". I love her. I love her movements and her presence. She is always in my thoughts and prayers. I feel like she knows that she is loved already. I sit on some nights in her room praying over her and reading her scriptures that I want to cover her life. It's amazing how many dreams we have for her life and she's not even here yet.

Something I have known from the very beginning of her, is that she is not ours. Adeline is God's child on loan to us. His gift. We hear that all the time..."children are gifts from God." And they truly are. God is entrusting us to raise His child. What responsibility! It has been so humbling. And we are so thankful. I want her to know from the very moment she can comprehend, that God is her great Father who created her and has plans for her life that go far beyond what we can even dream. He loves her much more than we ever could. So when I begin to worry about her life and what will happen and if I will be able to protect her from the harshness of this world, God reminds me that He loves her more than I do and that I can trust Him to guide her.

I can't wait to meet her. See that little chubby face and try to figure out who we see in it. Will she have my smile? Jeremy's eyes? All I know is that I already love her so much and I am looking forward with being completely overwhelmed by even more love once I actually meet her. She is God's grace to us.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

18 weeks and counting

Here I am at a little over 18 weeks…2 weeks exactly from finding out what this little munchkin is growing inside of me. I am starting to feel movements, not super strong ones but a few pokes and flutters are enough to make me smile. I’m also showing, which has been a fun part of pregnancy. I welcome the belly! Sleeping has become difficult…not quite as comfortable as I used to be. And the baby is eating all of my food so I’m hungry about every hour to hour and a half. You would think that might be nice, but sometimes it just feels crazy! In fact, I truly feel an array of emotions that I didn’t expect from pregnancy. Here are a few…

First, is how deeply and completely out of control I feel which has dropped me to my knees to seek peace and guidance from the only one in control. All of my fears, anxieties, nightmares, and tears have no purpose because I know my creator…our baby’s creator…is in charge.

Second, I feel very loved. It has been amazing to me how many people already love your baby and how much joy this tiny baby that has not even made its entrance into this world, can bring so many. People’s faces light up when you talk about a baby and their well wishes and encouragement have meant so much to me.

Third, I feel inspired to praise the Lord more than normal. Just letting my mind drift off and think about the intricacy that is taking place in my womb is more than I can handle and I truly stand in the greatest definition of awe.

Fourth, I feel aware. I’m aware of all my surroundings all the time, what music is playing, what smell is in the air, what colors are dancing around, what people are discussing. I’m sure that it’s not only my emotions that are heightened at this point =) But most of all, I am aware of this baby’s presence in my every move and decision…already.

Fifth, I feel overwhelmed. When I think about what life will be like once this amazing blessing makes his/her debut, I am completely overwhelmed. I’m overwhelmed by the thought of something needing me so much all the time and wondering if I can successfully be there for him/her each time. And then overwhelmed because I realize that I’m going to be a working mom which means that most of my time won’t even be spent with this child…this child who will need me.

Sixth, I feel blessed. Often I remember the emotions of seeing that positive on the pregnancy test and can almost feel the tears that burned my face that night. Tears of shock, apprehension, and utter amazement for what GOD can do. I love you so much my precious Jesus…

Even though I only listed six emotions, you can see how very different they are and how they tug me in different ways. Luckily, we have a God that is un-moving, un-changing and always waiting on us to need Him. Because if I were driven by emotions, I would probably be hiding in a dark hole right now =)

Saturday, June 6, 2009

14 weeks

Tomorrow I will be officially a full 14 weeks starting on the 15th week. It blows me away how much better I feel after week 12! My nauseas is almost completely gone and I don’t seem to have narcolepsy the way I did for weeks. Seriously, I could barely hold my head up after 1:00 everyday! But now, just like everyone said, a veil lifted and I feel like me again…except for the daily headaches that are plaguing me and the insane hunger that feels like I need to feed two adults all the time! For instance, right now I am watching Paula on the food network and I feel like I need a steak…and it’s 9:00am! Also, did you know there is such thing as onion goggles?? I digress…

This morning I decided to listen to the baby’s heartbeat. I am now only allowing myself to do this once or twice a week so I don’t become obsessed with it. Anyway, it sounded faster and stronger than ever which is letting me know that the baby is getting bigger and I can hear it better! I was listening and thinking about how amazing it is that there is actually a LIFE growing inside of me! How amazing God is that he created our bodies to do this! Seriously, what a genius! I am so thankful that He has allowed me this experience.

Currently, my symptoms have become constant hunger, uncomfortable when sleeping (must use pillow between my legs), headaches, tearing up at many moments, super sensitive nose, slight irritability.

Many people…many…have been asking me if I have an idea if it’s a boy or girl and honestly, no. I have absolutely no idea. I have been waiting for some sort of mommy intuition to kick in, but nothing so far. I think I am just so thankful to be pregnant that I honestly don’t care which it is…I’m just happy to have it! We have our names picked out for both…Adeline Katherine, if it’s a girl and Miles Nicholas if a boy. We are using family names with strong meanings. However, don’t hold us to the boy name, because that could always change. 5-6 more weeks and we will find out what this precious life is!
I daydream about what her/his personality will be like. Hopefully very outgoing from the beginning and a lover of people. I hope it has Jeremy’s calm thoughtfulness when dealing with important decisions and my passion in what it loves.
Today will be my first day to go shop for new clothes. The upper body is starting to get bigger and things just don’t fit as well as they once did. I’m excited for people to be able to tell I’m pregnant without me having to say it. Hopefully that is coming soon ☺

The Lord is continuing to draw Jeremy and I closer through this. We have begun a devotional we do every night together and then we pray and he prays for the baby. It’s really beautiful to hear the love in his desires for our soon to be family.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

12 Week Lesson

Tomorrow I will have reached the 12 week mark on this emotional and adventurous journey called pregnancy. While I still have no idea if the second trimester comes after 12 or 13 weeks, I feel that this is a milestone for this little baby growing inside of me. He/she has accomplished much in the past 3 months. Reading the pregnancy books and my baby center updates, you stand in absolute jaw dropping awe of how God weaves this baby together and how so very much can be accomplished in a few short months for something that is now only a little over an 1 ½ inches long. The Lord is drawing my heart more and more near to Him as I experience this journey while holding on tight to His hand…truly the only place that brings me comfort and peace over the worry I already have for our child. But as one of my dear friends told me once and I cling to these words, “God is the creator and sustainer of life”. My thoughts, fears, can’t make this life stronger or weaker, only God can sustain this baby.

I’m sad at myself for just now beginning to blog about this time in Jeremy and my life. I’ll be completely transparent by saying that I was nervous to let myself get too emotionally involved with this baby until the first trimester was over because then I would feel safer. Though, truly, the amount of things and the gravity of situations can still be very great after this point. At some moment, you just have to surrender it to God and realize your child, your life…they are in His mighty hands.
I want to share how God is using this baby to bring me to a new level of intimacy with Him and a new level of amazement and appreciation for the artistry of creation. It almost as if a different part of me has awakened and suddenly I notice the beauty of the earth and more simply, the beauty of certain features on people’s faces that make them unique. I just crave His presence more than ever so that He can keep revealing Himself to me in new ways. I am speechless to how appreciative I am to Him for giving me this opportunity.

My friend Jess gave me her at-home Doppler. Already twice this week Jeremy and I have found the baby’s fast train-like heartbeat that is thriving inside of me. It is a beautiful sound that brings me much relief. However, this morning I decided I wanted to hear baby’s heartbeat and could not find it. Instantly I began to panic and I started to tear up when I heard the Lord whisper to me that my trust should not be in this Doppler but in His promise and His power. I knew He was right instantly. In my quiet time with Him this morning He revealed to me something lovely in a devotional that I read daily. It was timely as it helped me have peace in this stressful situation I was in. I would like to share:

John 17:21 “…that they all may be one, as You, Father, are in Me, and I in You; that they also may be one in Us…”
“God is not concerned about our plans; He doesn’t ask, “Do you want to go through this loss of a loved one, this difficulty, or this defeat?” No, He allows these things for His own purpose. The things we are going through are either making us sweeter, better, and nobler men and women, or they are making us more critical and faultfinding, and more insistent on our own way.”

This is only a little snippet of the devotional but overall the Lord was showing me how He uses situations and moments to draw us closer to oneness with Him. It is over everything, the desire of His heart and more important than our wants and needs. So the moment I experienced this morning, the many many moments and situations I have experienced in my life, are to some how big or small draw me into oneness with Christ. It is His prayer and God will answer that prayer. So I am choosing to take all the little moments throughout this pregnancy and let them draw me closer to Him. It’s His desire and probably the main reason that He allowed me to get pregnant. He knew what it would do to me…in a good way.

That’s all for today! Sorry for the really long blogs ☺ Hopefully they will be more frequent and less wordy. I pray God reveals himself to you in some way through the moments you experience today.

Thursday, May 7, 2009


I'm pregnant. Can you believe it? I certainly can't! And I will be 10 weeks on Saturday! Each and everyday I am blown away that God allowed this to happen in this timing. However, it's still unreal to me. I feel nauseas, bloated, hungry, abdomen round ligament pains, exhausted...all of these no fun symptoms yet still I hold my stomach and am completely bewildered that there is a baby growing that is currently the size of a grape. It has also made me seriously stand in awe of God's brilliance and know that he created this baby and it's so tiny and that he created our bodies to grow another being inside of us. Wild!

Below is a note that I posted on Facebook but feel that it is important to post it on here as well:

When I found out I was pregnant I promised the Lord that He would receive all the glory for this miracle. If you would like to know why, keep reading!
I have polycystic ovarian syndrome which is a fertility problem. Back in February, jeremy and I decided we were ready to start trying to have a baby. The doctor prescribed us fertility medication that we were going to have to use in order to get pregnant. The night I was suppose to start the whole process, I was holding the pill in my hand and I broke into heavy tears. I knew without a doubt that God was saying it wasn't time to do this. I was incredibly depressed because I couldn't imagine why He didn't want us to start this process but I knew this was His voice because mine wanted it so badly. When I told Jeremy he understood and agreed and spoke positively that he thought our time was coming soon.
So we decided to wait and pray that God would do a miracle and let us get pregnant without the medicine. In that time between the end of February and the middle of March, God was teaching me a lot about giving up my control and letting Him take control do all glory would be to Him. And sometime in March, I got pregnant.
I had no idea. We weren't thinking about it for the first time in months so when I started feeling some of the signs, I didn't even recognize them!
Driving home one night almost a little over a month ago, I was thinking about how my body was acting funnier than normal so I called my sister who told me I should take a pregnancy test. I didn't want to do it because I knew it would be depressing. However, I pulled into Walgreens anyway. I seriously sat in my car saying " God, I really don't want to spend the money on this, should I really buy one??" I honestly felt like he wanted me to so I did. As soon as I got home I immediately took it and it was immediately waiting three min.!
I dropped to my knees feeling weak and amazed. God has done a miracle and we are so so humbled by what He can do when we let Him have control.
Don't get me wrong, I still totally believe that God uses medicine to accomplish His purposes, but we were very blessed that He chose to do it this way for us :)
I had trouble writing this because I feared that as soon as I put this out there I would be attacked, but I know that He is in control and not evil. I hope this story blessed you today!

I am fighting the worry of the early mother. The "is the baby ok?" "is it growing the way it should?" "will the baby be healthy and happy?" "am i doing everything I can to make sure the baby is healthy and safe now?" Every day I give these worries to God...release them at His feet and every day I pick it up again and the worry starts all over. Who do I think I am? Why do I think my thoughts and control is greater than His? Yet, this is my current struggle. My dear friend Margie said to me once, "Stop worrying! Hasn't God already proven He will take care of you?" She's right. He HAS proven this to me. Not only with this situation but throughout years of my life struggles.

I love this baby. I want our baby to continue to stick and grown healthy and perfect and live long after me :) I am already beginning to pray for this child's purpose. My prayers are that he/she will bring the joy and love of the Father into many lives...that he/she will never doubt that they are incredibly loved and that they will fall madly in love with Jesus at an early age and serve Him with all their hearts. I hope that he/she has tons of personality and possesses their fathers wit, intelligence and patience. (and his nose because I hate mine)

We go for our 10 week appointment on Tuesday to hopefully hear the baby's heartbeat through the doppler since we already got to see and hear it on an ultrasound at 6 1/2 weeks.

Looking forward to meeting you little one.

Saturday, January 24, 2009


I know that it has been sometime since I have written on this blog and I apologize to all of you who have told me that you miss my blogging. To be honest, blogging seems to just be a great way of getting all of my thoughts out and yet having some accountability for my promises to be a better person. So, here I go again. Another blog, another day, another year of starting out truly believing that this year I am going to be a better person...a better child of God, wife, friend, daughter, co-worker, humanitarian, samaritan...I just want to be better.

I know this is very generic. Another blog about having this epiphany moment that will change the course of my life. But this time, I do feel more serious about it. The older I get the more I care about making a difference, being a person of influence. Recently during a youth event, we had to come up with questions for someone to answer and I came up with, "how do you want to be remembered?". Ever since that night I have been thinking about how I am remembered while I am living...what impression do I leave? What does someone think about me after I leave their presence? What do the youth think about me after they leave our time together? What does my parents think about we talk? Why does my husband think about me after I leave for work in the morning? What do my co-workers think about me after we have been working together all day? I am not trying to press that what people think about you is the most important thing, considering that we push how important it is to be self assured and not care what others think. My point it, what type of impression am I leaving with people? Am I showing them kindness, patience, peace, love, gentleness, grace? Are my words pointing toward God? Do I make people feel better after they have been around me ?

The reason this is so important is that more than ever, I know that I have a job to do. I have always known that God has called me to be different than the normal everyday Christian-not that I am better by any means, but I know that I have a calling to go just a little further, be just a little more bold. God has blessed me with certain aspects of my personality that has given me favor and I need to make sure that I am using that favor for good.

I don't want to be the same anymore. I'm sick of always saying that I am going to let God transform me and then not give him the time to do it. I'm sick of always saying that I am going to quit participating in gossip yet I continue to be to curious to leave a conversation. I'm sick of always telling myself that I am going to focus more on others but as soon as I just don't "feel" like getting out of my comfort zone, I go back into the "all about me" hole.

I'm not better than anyone. I'm not stronger, smarter, better looking, but I know that God will use me if I will just let Him. If I will actually LET Him. So I'm going to try. He needs me to be better because people need to see Him through me.

Saturday, September 6, 2008

Food for Thought

Because of my very long drive to work I had decided to start listening to books on tape so that all of that time spent in the car would not be wasted on my dancing to the 5 songs that 107.5 play and then replay over and over again. (though, sometimes it is fun...i am definitely up on my jordan sparks and miley cyrus).

Anywho, my first choice was "The Shack" by William P. Young. I chose this because it is being talked about everywhere and I really wanted to know what it was about. So when I went to buy it at Lifeway they told me that the currently don't carry it because it's being reviewed for its controversial nature. So I persevered on to Barnes and Noble, bought it, started listening and got addicted.

As anyone will tell you about the book, you can't tell people what's going on...they have to read for themselves. But I wanted to share one part with you that has fascinated me. There is a part where the main character, Mack, is ask by God to tell what is going on in Mack's life. Mack starts to explain and then interrupts himself by saying, 'wait a second. Don't you already know what is going on in my life? Why do you need to hear it from me? Don't you know everything?' And God responds, 'Even though I know everything, when you come to me to tell you what is going on in your life, I limit my ability to already know everything so that I can hear it from you and see it through your eyes.' Basically, in the book, God was telling Mack that He loves us so much that He wants to hear our hearts and how it feels for us to be dealing with situations...even though He could tell us exactly what is going on in our lives.

I was amazed by this. No, it's not exactly in scripture that He does this, but what a great thought! I know I have personally dealt with a time where I felt confused that I had to go before God and tell him things He already knows and ask for things He already knows I want. But what a great thought that He limits himself just so He can hear our heart through our words...see it from our perspective.

Whether it's what He does or not, I can see Him doing that. He has the ability to do anything and I think that His love for us is much less 'I am your master sitting on a throne just waiting to punish you for doing wrong' but rather, 'I am your Daddy, who just wants you to love, obey, trust and spend time with me. Just let me hold you while I listen to your stories and I will comfort you and give you advice and rejoice with you.'

I encourage you to read this book. Yes, it is fiction, but the principals behind it are biblically based and very touching. It has propelled me into a deeper desire to understand the more soft and Daddy side of God. I am thinking about His deep love for us and His desire for us to live abundant lives that are filled up with Him. Not just because He is God and the bible says that is what we need to do, but because He TRULY knows that a life filled with Him will be the BEST life for us.