Saturday, May 23, 2009

12 Week Lesson

Tomorrow I will have reached the 12 week mark on this emotional and adventurous journey called pregnancy. While I still have no idea if the second trimester comes after 12 or 13 weeks, I feel that this is a milestone for this little baby growing inside of me. He/she has accomplished much in the past 3 months. Reading the pregnancy books and my baby center updates, you stand in absolute jaw dropping awe of how God weaves this baby together and how so very much can be accomplished in a few short months for something that is now only a little over an 1 ½ inches long. The Lord is drawing my heart more and more near to Him as I experience this journey while holding on tight to His hand…truly the only place that brings me comfort and peace over the worry I already have for our child. But as one of my dear friends told me once and I cling to these words, “God is the creator and sustainer of life”. My thoughts, fears, can’t make this life stronger or weaker, only God can sustain this baby.

I’m sad at myself for just now beginning to blog about this time in Jeremy and my life. I’ll be completely transparent by saying that I was nervous to let myself get too emotionally involved with this baby until the first trimester was over because then I would feel safer. Though, truly, the amount of things and the gravity of situations can still be very great after this point. At some moment, you just have to surrender it to God and realize your child, your life…they are in His mighty hands.
I want to share how God is using this baby to bring me to a new level of intimacy with Him and a new level of amazement and appreciation for the artistry of creation. It almost as if a different part of me has awakened and suddenly I notice the beauty of the earth and more simply, the beauty of certain features on people’s faces that make them unique. I just crave His presence more than ever so that He can keep revealing Himself to me in new ways. I am speechless to how appreciative I am to Him for giving me this opportunity.

My friend Jess gave me her at-home Doppler. Already twice this week Jeremy and I have found the baby’s fast train-like heartbeat that is thriving inside of me. It is a beautiful sound that brings me much relief. However, this morning I decided I wanted to hear baby’s heartbeat and could not find it. Instantly I began to panic and I started to tear up when I heard the Lord whisper to me that my trust should not be in this Doppler but in His promise and His power. I knew He was right instantly. In my quiet time with Him this morning He revealed to me something lovely in a devotional that I read daily. It was timely as it helped me have peace in this stressful situation I was in. I would like to share:

John 17:21 “…that they all may be one, as You, Father, are in Me, and I in You; that they also may be one in Us…”
“God is not concerned about our plans; He doesn’t ask, “Do you want to go through this loss of a loved one, this difficulty, or this defeat?” No, He allows these things for His own purpose. The things we are going through are either making us sweeter, better, and nobler men and women, or they are making us more critical and faultfinding, and more insistent on our own way.”

This is only a little snippet of the devotional but overall the Lord was showing me how He uses situations and moments to draw us closer to oneness with Him. It is over everything, the desire of His heart and more important than our wants and needs. So the moment I experienced this morning, the many many moments and situations I have experienced in my life, are to some how big or small draw me into oneness with Christ. It is His prayer and God will answer that prayer. So I am choosing to take all the little moments throughout this pregnancy and let them draw me closer to Him. It’s His desire and probably the main reason that He allowed me to get pregnant. He knew what it would do to me…in a good way.

That’s all for today! Sorry for the really long blogs ☺ Hopefully they will be more frequent and less wordy. I pray God reveals himself to you in some way through the moments you experience today.

Thursday, May 7, 2009


I'm pregnant. Can you believe it? I certainly can't! And I will be 10 weeks on Saturday! Each and everyday I am blown away that God allowed this to happen in this timing. However, it's still unreal to me. I feel nauseas, bloated, hungry, abdomen round ligament pains, exhausted...all of these no fun symptoms yet still I hold my stomach and am completely bewildered that there is a baby growing that is currently the size of a grape. It has also made me seriously stand in awe of God's brilliance and know that he created this baby and it's so tiny and that he created our bodies to grow another being inside of us. Wild!

Below is a note that I posted on Facebook but feel that it is important to post it on here as well:

When I found out I was pregnant I promised the Lord that He would receive all the glory for this miracle. If you would like to know why, keep reading!
I have polycystic ovarian syndrome which is a fertility problem. Back in February, jeremy and I decided we were ready to start trying to have a baby. The doctor prescribed us fertility medication that we were going to have to use in order to get pregnant. The night I was suppose to start the whole process, I was holding the pill in my hand and I broke into heavy tears. I knew without a doubt that God was saying it wasn't time to do this. I was incredibly depressed because I couldn't imagine why He didn't want us to start this process but I knew this was His voice because mine wanted it so badly. When I told Jeremy he understood and agreed and spoke positively that he thought our time was coming soon.
So we decided to wait and pray that God would do a miracle and let us get pregnant without the medicine. In that time between the end of February and the middle of March, God was teaching me a lot about giving up my control and letting Him take control do all glory would be to Him. And sometime in March, I got pregnant.
I had no idea. We weren't thinking about it for the first time in months so when I started feeling some of the signs, I didn't even recognize them!
Driving home one night almost a little over a month ago, I was thinking about how my body was acting funnier than normal so I called my sister who told me I should take a pregnancy test. I didn't want to do it because I knew it would be depressing. However, I pulled into Walgreens anyway. I seriously sat in my car saying " God, I really don't want to spend the money on this, should I really buy one??" I honestly felt like he wanted me to so I did. As soon as I got home I immediately took it and it was immediately waiting three min.!
I dropped to my knees feeling weak and amazed. God has done a miracle and we are so so humbled by what He can do when we let Him have control.
Don't get me wrong, I still totally believe that God uses medicine to accomplish His purposes, but we were very blessed that He chose to do it this way for us :)
I had trouble writing this because I feared that as soon as I put this out there I would be attacked, but I know that He is in control and not evil. I hope this story blessed you today!

I am fighting the worry of the early mother. The "is the baby ok?" "is it growing the way it should?" "will the baby be healthy and happy?" "am i doing everything I can to make sure the baby is healthy and safe now?" Every day I give these worries to God...release them at His feet and every day I pick it up again and the worry starts all over. Who do I think I am? Why do I think my thoughts and control is greater than His? Yet, this is my current struggle. My dear friend Margie said to me once, "Stop worrying! Hasn't God already proven He will take care of you?" She's right. He HAS proven this to me. Not only with this situation but throughout years of my life struggles.

I love this baby. I want our baby to continue to stick and grown healthy and perfect and live long after me :) I am already beginning to pray for this child's purpose. My prayers are that he/she will bring the joy and love of the Father into many lives...that he/she will never doubt that they are incredibly loved and that they will fall madly in love with Jesus at an early age and serve Him with all their hearts. I hope that he/she has tons of personality and possesses their fathers wit, intelligence and patience. (and his nose because I hate mine)

We go for our 10 week appointment on Tuesday to hopefully hear the baby's heartbeat through the doppler since we already got to see and hear it on an ultrasound at 6 1/2 weeks.

Looking forward to meeting you little one.