Thursday, March 27, 2008

the downfall

Today I am craving Mexican food. In fact, it's almost unbearable how much I want an enchilada and mexican rice....and chips and queso and for someone to overnight me an empanada from La Fonda in Cabo San Lucas. mmmm.... But other than today, I have actually been doing really well with not having ridiculously overwhelming cravings. Oh, by the way, i'm not pregnant...just trying to lose weight.

Seven years after my dad quit smoking I remember saying to him, "I bet you don't even get tempted by it anymore?" and he said, "Not true. I'll always be a smoker. I'm just choosing not to smoke." These words came back to me last week when I had a...well, we will just call it a "moment of weakness".

I was baking Easter cupcakes to bring to work on last Friday. It was 10:00pm and I thought there was no possible way that I would even be tempted because I would be weighing in about 8 hours and I had already maxed my points for the day. But I was WRONG. First off, they were white cupcakes, which are my absolute favorite, with cream cheese icing and peanut M&M's on top. (Green icing, three peanut M&M's...Easter basket! You see, right?) In the process of icing them, I noticed one of the cupcakes was a bit lopsided. As I begin to feel bad for the little odd shaped cupcake, I began to think of how no one at work would appreciate his character. Infact, they would probably ask, "What happend to this one??" and that would give the little cake a complex. So, I decided that being the non judgemental lover of all sweets that I am, I would eat him and his life would not be in vain. So I did. And then, like a psycho sweet addict , I took down two more of his buddies just to show them that I didn't show favor to only those who have flaws.

I went to bed that night feeling incredibly defeated. I thought I had moved past those moments where you fall flat on your face. After all, I have been doing this for three months. And then my dads words hit me...I'm always going to be a little addicted sweets. It may never go away. But I gain strength and health each time I say "No". It's like a thorn in my flesh. And seriously, it is a thorn...not a splinter. Food has been my weakness for years and years. It's not like I just had a little problem where sometimes I would have too big of a's like, "I'll have that 16 oz. steak with a huge side of pasta and half a gallon of ice cream for dessert every other day" But the best things in life don't come easy. My walk with Christ is not easy and it is by far the most beneficial and precious part of my world.

I'm learning. It's a learning process. Learning how to lose the weight, learning the real reason I should be losing weight, learning that being healthy must be a lifestyle because the ultimate goal shouldn't be to wear that size 6 dress, learning what makes me eat the way I do, learning that food should not be the focus of my day. I use to get so angry when people would judge overweight people. It would make me angry that my "flaw" my "weakness" was something that was visable to everyone around me. I didn't struggle with drinking, smoking, cursing, stealing, lust, struggle was with food. And while you could hide all those other issues to a degree, you could never hide being addicted to food. And I cared so much what others thought.

But these days I'm feeling good. It feels outstanding that I have taken control of my body...the thing I have been abusing for so long. And I'm sure there will be many more slip ups, but I will not let them take me back to where I've been...ever. I will just dust off, learn from my mistake, and keep going.


April E. :) said...

Hmmm, been there...good insight :)

Maci said...

Ahh, you always come up with amazing blogs, once I have one I love you come out with another one...sign of a great writer =)

Beth said...

I love who you are, Lindsey Johnson!