Better

I know that it has been sometime since I have written on this blog and I apologize to all of you who have told me that you miss my blogging. To be honest, blogging seems to just be a great way of getting all of my thoughts out and yet having some accountability for my promises to be a better person. So, here I go again. Another blog, another day, another year of starting out truly believing that this year I am going to be a better person...a better child of God, wife, friend, daughter, co-worker, humanitarian, samaritan...I just want to be better.

I know this is very generic. Another blog about having this epiphany moment that will change the course of my life. But this time, I do feel more serious about it. The older I get the more I care about making a difference, being a person of influence. Recently during a youth event, we had to come up with questions for someone to answer and I came up with, "how do you want to be remembered?". Ever since that night I have been thinking about how I am remembered while I am living...what impression do I leave? What does someone think about me after I leave their presence? What do the youth think about me after they leave our time together? What does my parents think about we talk? Why does my husband think about me after I leave for work in the morning? What do my co-workers think about me after we have been working together all day? I am not trying to press that what people think about you is the most important thing, considering that we push how important it is to be self assured and not care what others think. My point it, what type of impression am I leaving with people? Am I showing them kindness, patience, peace, love, gentleness, grace? Are my words pointing toward God? Do I make people feel better after they have been around me ?

The reason this is so important is that more than ever, I know that I have a job to do. I have always known that God has called me to be different than the normal everyday Christian-not that I am better by any means, but I know that I have a calling to go just a little further, be just a little more bold. God has blessed me with certain aspects of my personality that has given me favor and I need to make sure that I am using that favor for good.

I don't want to be the same anymore. I'm sick of always saying that I am going to let God transform me and then not give him the time to do it. I'm sick of always saying that I am going to quit participating in gossip yet I continue to be to curious to leave a conversation. I'm sick of always telling myself that I am going to focus more on others but as soon as I just don't "feel" like getting out of my comfort zone, I go back into the "all about me" hole.

I'm not better than anyone. I'm not stronger, smarter, better looking, but I know that God will use me if I will just let Him. If I will actually LET Him. So I'm going to try. He needs me to be better because people need to see Him through me.

Food for Thought

Because of my very long drive to work I had decided to start listening to books on tape so that all of that time spent in the car would not be wasted on my dancing to the 5 songs that 107.5 play and then replay over and over again. (though, sometimes it is fun...i am definitely up on my jordan sparks and miley cyrus).

Anywho, my first choice was "The Shack" by William P. Young. I chose this because it is being talked about everywhere and I really wanted to know what it was about. So when I went to buy it at Lifeway they told me that the currently don't carry it because it's being reviewed for its controversial nature. So I persevered on to Barnes and Noble, bought it, started listening and got addicted.

As anyone will tell you about the book, you can't tell people what's going on...they have to read for themselves. But I wanted to share one part with you that has fascinated me. There is a part where the main character, Mack, is ask by God to tell what is going on in Mack's life. Mack starts to explain and then interrupts himself by saying, 'wait a second. Don't you already know what is going on in my life? Why do you need to hear it from me? Don't you know everything?' And God responds, 'Even though I know everything, when you come to me to tell you what is going on in your life, I limit my ability to already know everything so that I can hear it from you and see it through your eyes.' Basically, in the book, God was telling Mack that He loves us so much that He wants to hear our hearts and how it feels for us to be dealing with situations...even though He could tell us exactly what is going on in our lives.

I was amazed by this. No, it's not exactly in scripture that He does this, but what a great thought! I know I have personally dealt with a time where I felt confused that I had to go before God and tell him things He already knows and ask for things He already knows I want. But what a great thought that He limits himself just so He can hear our heart through our words...see it from our perspective.

Whether it's what He does or not, I can see Him doing that. He has the ability to do anything and I think that His love for us is much less 'I am your master sitting on a throne just waiting to punish you for doing wrong' but rather, 'I am your Daddy, who just wants you to love, obey, trust and spend time with me. Just let me hold you while I listen to your stories and I will comfort you and give you advice and rejoice with you.'

I encourage you to read this book. Yes, it is fiction, but the principals behind it are biblically based and very touching. It has propelled me into a deeper desire to understand the more soft and Daddy side of God. I am thinking about His deep love for us and His desire for us to live abundant lives that are filled up with Him. Not just because He is God and the bible says that is what we need to do, but because He TRULY knows that a life filled with Him will be the BEST life for us.

Faithful

Hello everyone in blog world! It's been quite awhile...again....since I have wrote. But today felt like another good day to write.

God has been doing incredible things with my heart lately. He has been softening it in ways that it has never experienced. There is a worship song that says "Break my heart for what breaks yours" and EVERYTIME I sing that line I make it my prayer. Mainly because I know that my heart is humanly selfish and sometimes does not see beyond my own needs so I need GOD to come in and massage it a bit. And He has. I am beginning to see people and situations with a new light and love and I completely contribute that to reading God's powerful word. I am learning about God's grace and His desire for all to know Him in more profound ways. I find myself tearing up with excitement at what God is doing in my life and in the lives of others. My friends are being blessed and healed and I just got chill bumps thinking about it because i am genuinely SO excited for them! I know that the Holy Spirit is at work in my life. God is giving me eyes to see what He is doing and giving me patience while He is developing me.

God is just good. Not just because I am having a moment of breakthrough but because He walks us through those times of waiting for the breakthrough and strengthens our faith to believe breakthrough is coming.

I love HIM. I really do. I am just in awe of what He can do...at the work of His hands. I am so tired of taking things for granted and not realizing His majesty all around me that is crying out, "SEE ME?? How can you not stand in awe?" Seriously friends, look at the symmetry of a leaf, listen to the thousands of different laughs around you, look at the colors of the sky, the thousands of different color different shape flowers...wow. What an amazing artist He is. He is the original for everything. We are inspired by HIS artwork.

It's been a good week. My heart is changing in ways that I am pleased with but I know that I have to keep myself grounded in what is good and true so that my heart does not stray.

Thank you Lord for loving us no matter what. Thank you for holding us like a dad should and telling us that you know it's all going to work out good in the end. Thank you for creating us so that we could experience life and more importantly, life with you. Let me be not just a good christian, but a good CHRIST to those around me.

what's going on...

Wow. It's been awhile. I wanted to update those of you who read my blog on what has been going on in my life that has kept me far from the blogging world and basically any playing on the internet whatsoever. I started a new job on June 30. I am working at the corporate office of e+ healthcare in Nashville and loving it. I have a hybrid sort of position which means that half of my job is spent as the assistant to our Chief Financial Officer and the other half is spent working in Operations with our company's lawyers on Medicare/855s. It's way too much to explain over this blog, (or really in person without possibly putting someone to sleep) but I will say that I love being an assistant so that part is great and easy because I know it, but then I also have this awesome opportunity to work in the operations of the company and learn something completely new and challenging which I love. And working for this company has made me feel like I am apart of something bigger. e+ healthcare has 12 different cancer centers across the US and they are working hard to fight the battle of cancer by bringing in better technology and by creating incredible facilities that make patients feel like they are in a more warm and caring enviorment. They truly care about the patients and do everything possible to make sure that cancer patients are being taken care of and that there is something out there that is trying to make their battle more comfortable and efficient.

On the other side of life, (the one I don't have tons of time to live because I am so busy) things are going well. Everyone got back from church camp last week and are spreading the delightful contagious virus of passion for God to our whole church. It devastates me that I missed an opportunity to be a part of this because watching our youth worship and hearing them open up and what GOD has done is amazing. To be completely honest, it is really hard because they now have a bond that I wasn't a part of...which is fine and good because I was praying for them to have that bond and that experience the entire time they were away...but I know they are all going to help bond the entire group, those that went and those that didn't.

My life is busy. There is hardly time for me to enjoy anything that I once did like reading, crafting, walking, writing, spending time with friends and family. I feel like things are changing around me and I am changing too but I am not apart of those changes that everyone else is experiencing. I know that is a confusing sentanence, but maybe someone gets it. But for the most part, life is going great. I have a lot to be thankful for and God continues to bless an undeserving me.

11:00pm Cheeseburger

Yes, you read the title correct. An 11:00pm cheeseburger from McDonalds brought me joy last night. Margie, Max and I went to TPAC to see some of our dear and super talented friends, (Brittany, Emily, Cierra and Krista) perform in their dance recital. We had previously eaten at about 5:30 before the show, so after the 4 hour recital we decided we were hungry again! Now, this was surprising that Margie and Max who weigh about as much as my shoe were starving, but for me if I have not eaten in 5 hours it's time for a snack! And as we were sitting in downtown Nashville at McDonalds at 11:00pm, (which is WAY past my bedtime), we got a little slap happy. You know, that wonderful hilarious feeling that you just say the most random things and everyone thinks it's the funniest thing they have heard in weeks? I just love, love those moments with friends. I love to laugh more than I love to do most things and this was a great moment of silly laughter as we were talking about random stuff and recalling some of the hilarious, (yes, i'm still laughing, Margie) events of the night.

That was my joy moment yesterday. Just that great moment of laughter with friends. Slap happy, 11:00pm McDonalds run, crack lady trying to steal our cheeseburger money laughter :)

Pride

I had an experience recently that has enlightened me about the issue of Pride that I thought I would share with the few of you who view my blog. I am writing from the heart here…nothing fancy…just a little story about my most recent revelation.

Pride completely clouds your mind of what is right and what is necessary. Pride puffs you up into thinking that the entire world revolves around what makes you comfortable and happy. Pride makes you feel really important…in your own head. Pride destroys perfectly good relationships and puts a huge wedge between you and your most important relationship…your’s and God’s. Pride causes you to make decisions that you will definitely later regret.

My recent experience was that I made a mistake. A pretty decent sized mistake. I committed the total pride crime: I decided that I mattered more than others. That only my thoughts and my personal life mattered. That my decision only affected me. But this wasn’t the only bad part about my prideful mistake. I had committed to someone…something…that I would not make this choice and I was trusted. And I got caught. And you know what happened when I was caught? I got defensive. I wasn’t outwardly defensive at first, but inside I was boiling. Of course in my head I made about 25 excuses for why it was a ridiculous situation and how I should have not have to deal with it. And the very cruel but obvious truth was, I was really wrong and my pride was clouding my judgement.

Luckily, when I finally let God in enough to slap me around a bit, He did. After I had this revelation of my own stupidity, Sunday night David preached a sermon on Joy and how pride can sometimes rob us of joy. And that was a confirmation in my spirit that this was definitely a lesson that God was teaching me. And because of my recent experience, I was able to share with a few of the youth girls how I had let my pride rob me on about 20 hours of joy because I was so focused on how I was affected by a situation. And how my day changed and my heart was lighter and more joyful once I let go of the pride and just said, "all justifications aside...I was wrong and I need to apologize and let it go."

So, while I apparently have to keep learning this lesson over and over again, I get a little better at it each time. God is so good to have patience with me and continue to teach me. My moment of joy today is in realizing that my character is getting stronger because I am allowing God to shape it...sometimes slowly, but little by little i'm changing for the better. More of Him, less of me.

Space

I have been sick all weekend. I'm not sure how one gets a mad case of the sniffles in the beginning of summer, but apparently it happens. So, here I sit talking in my marge simpson like voice, scaring the clients at work, while scaring fellow employees because as they will be talking to me and sudden steam of snot will come pouring out my nose...Completely out of no where with no warning. It's almost as if there is a little man in my nose waiting for someone to come along and talk to me, and then the little man gives a wicked laugh and then releases the snot and then laughs hyterically knowing he has just embarrassed me. Evil little man.

I slept about 3 hours last night...if that. Most of my night was consumed with tossing around, guzzling about 5 gallons of water and watching disney channels "the suite life of zack and kody." I needed something mindless to take my thoughts away from my raw throat and nose. Then today I am walking around as if I am not connected to anyone or anything around me. It's as if I am up in space looking down on the world but have nothing to do with it. I'm just aware of it. And I haven't even taken any medicine...yet. But the walk in clinic is calling my name today and I will answer very soon.